Sunday, April 13, 2008
Your One Smile
This world is no match for your Love.
Being away from you
is death aiming to take my soul away.
My heart, so precious,
I won't trade for a hundred thousand souls.
Your one smile takes it for free.
So often when I write on this blog, I express my courage and strength because writing it helps convince me that it is real, helps give it power over the despair. Yet, it doesn't paint a complete picture. I am not always brave or strong. Often I feel I am wandering, lost, empty. For nine months, Sage was the beason that guided my life. I woke to meet his needs, to fill him with my love. Even in sleep, I never lost awareness of his warm body next to me. Thank God we co-slept . . . those irreplaceable moments of snuggling and breathing together. And what now? I send out my radar and it just keeps going, nothing to bounce it back to me.
Forgive me, friends. I know the strength will return in time. I don't have the energy to share anything other than my genuine experience, which at this moment is filled with the pain of loss. I think of his little pea pod ear lobes, his expressive eyebrows, his quick smile. I think of the morning after we brought him home - he had goop in his eyes and Michael had to clean them with a cotton ball - and I cried because I couldn't bear the thought that he might be in pain. I think of the way I learned to do everything WITH him, and I dread having to learn to do everything WITHOUT him.