Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Moving Forward

On Friday I wll be released from the hospital. When I learned of this development, yesterday, I cried. In fact I cried many times yesterday as I thought of leaving this place which has become a safe haven for me. It is as though I am surrounded by circles of protection - Michael is one, my family is one, being in the hospital is one, and strangely, being in this wheelchair is one. The routine of physical and occupational therapy, and the nurses taking my vital signs and giving me meds . . . these are the perameters of my new life, and they are manageable. Like a child who can only explore when he has a secure base to return to, I find myself making small ventures outward. A walk aruond the hospital grounds with Michael seems to satisfy my need for exploration. So, to step out into the world again feels like more than I want. Yet, I am aware that waiting longer won't make this transition any easier. It has to be done. And I trust that I will adapt, with the loving help of Michael and my family. Michael and I have decided to stay in Boise for another week or so. I will be doing out-patient physical therapy, and we will attempt to resolve certain issues pertaining to my dad's estate. Returning to Eugene will be another transition. And returning to work. Driving a car. Moving forward. Facing life.

5 comments:

Kelly said...

You are taking time. You may find new supports in the outside world. When you are ready to come back to Eugene I will be here. Love to you and Michael. Call me anytime or let me know if you'd like me to call. -Kelly

Patty McCourt said...

Jessie, You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers each day.

I know there are many changes for you to face in the days, weeks and months ahead and that you will rely on your family and friends to love and support you as you continue on this journey. I also believe that your own wholeness -- your amazing ability to feel your deep grief and still remain open hearted and loving -- will help guide you as go through these transitions.

Your insight and transparency are gifts to each of us who want to help support you yet find ourselves inspired and strengthened by you. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

Love, Patty

Anonymous said...

Jessie,
Every time I read this blog it makes me feel closer to you and Sage. I am so happy to know you are physically doing better. I know what is coming will be harder but I know you are so strong you will find a place in your heart to find the peace you need. The flowers at the altar still look so fresh! it has to be Sage's presence with us and his love. Jessie

Karena Norton said...

Jessie,
When I first met you we both had growing bellies. I remember you had this great shirt that said "Now showing".
It was so fun to see you and Sage at the birth center after our babies were born. You glowed so much as both a pregnant and new mama. But something tells me you've always had, and will continue to have, that glow.
I can't count how many people have told me how much they enjoyed having Sage around at work. That little guy brought such a tremendous amount of joy to so many people.
I know that he will alway be a part of your life. As in the months before you could hold him and look into his eyes, he will be with you still.
I lost my father when I was a baby but have felt his presence though every hardship and triumph in my life.
I'm sure the same will be true for you with your father and Sage.
Please know that I am sending you light and love as your body and heart are healing.
Karena

Lane said...

Dear Jessie,

It is understandable that you would feel anxious about leaving the safe world of the hospital. Try to think of us as your circle of security and go slow. Take small steps and think of love and light. It is wonderful that Micheal is there with you as your steady rock. When you return home, I hope that you lean on me when you need to.

You are such a good writer. Its ironic, we try to find words to comfort you, but instead your words end up comforting us.

I think of you all the time and I feel blessed to have you in my life. Sage will never be forgotten.

Love,
Lane