This evening, our friends Sara and Andy brought their 4 week old baby to visit us at the hospital. Although it has been a hard day for me, full of uncertainty and sadness, when I held that little boy (Hunter), a peace settled over me. He slept in my arms, making funny little smirks and grimmaces and occassionally pursing his lips and raising his eyebrows as though surprised by some dream he was having. I am surprised that holding another baby does not cause me terrible sorrow. On the contrary, when he held my index finger in his tiny hand, my heart opened and the tension in my body subisided. Michael also held him, and I could see (again) how natural a baby looks in his arms. He swayed gently and mumbled sweet, soft words to the sleeping child.
Later, after they had gone, Michael shared with me some photos of Sage he had printed today. I put copies of three of them next to my flowers in the window sill. We released oceans of tears as we looked at his beautiful, innocent face and longed for the chance to hold him again. It feels good to display the photos, though each time we see them it reawakens our pain. We need him to be present in our lives still - a reminder of our deep capacity to love.
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises
was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain."