Saturday, April 5, 2008

Holding Hunter

This evening, our friends Sara and Andy brought their 4 week old baby to visit us at the hospital. Although it has been a hard day for me, full of uncertainty and sadness, when I held that little boy (Hunter), a peace settled over me. He slept in my arms, making funny little smirks and grimmaces and occassionally pursing his lips and raising his eyebrows as though surprised by some dream he was having. I am surprised that holding another baby does not cause me terrible sorrow. On the contrary, when he held my index finger in his tiny hand, my heart opened and the tension in my body subisided. Michael also held him, and I could see (again) how natural a baby looks in his arms. He swayed gently and mumbled sweet, soft words to the sleeping child.

Later, after they had gone, Michael shared with me some photos of Sage he had printed today. I put copies of three of them next to my flowers in the window sill. We released oceans of tears as we looked at his beautiful, innocent face and longed for the chance to hold him again. It feels good to display the photos, though each time we see them it reawakens our pain. We need him to be present in our lives still - a reminder of our deep capacity to love.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises
was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain."

-Kahlil Gibran


Anonymous said...

This week at the Relief Nursery when we were sharing our memories of you (Sage, Jessie and Michael), I shared my memory of the first day I met you. I often ponder this day because of all the light that you have brought my life since that day. We were interviewing your for your position and we asked if you would like to tell us anything that would help us make our decision. When you told us that your were pregnant you glowed! We all agreed at that minute that you were perfect for the job. Sage was the best interventionist the Relief Nursery has ever seen. My heart aches in sorrow. With all my love,

Mary and Jason said...

I was thinking about the last time I saw you and Sage - music time at the library a couple weeks ago. Sage was smiling, dancing to the music, crawling everywhere, fascinated with the little girl in front of him. He was so full of joy and wonder. I will always think of him like that. Always smiling, so gentle and intent on discovering the world around him. I'm just heartbroken. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary Gatlin

Amee said...

Seeing you and Sage together was always a delight. You two were so beautiful together. I always thought this is exactly the way it should be; this is what it should look like. You two are flawless. Thank you so much for sharing Sage with us and with the families you help. What a gift! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I'm always here for you, in whatever way I can help. Love, Amee

Debbie said...

Jessie & Michael -

Your thoughts here remind me of one evening at our Birth to Three class when Claire had us hold each others babies. Chuck and I held Sage in our arms and I remember how wonderfully different he felt...but also comfortably the same too. Warm and solid, wiggly but still self-assured. I'll think of him always when I sing that little BT3 song to Jack..."sing to Sage, celebrate Sage, sing it with an open heart..." You are in our hearts.

Debbie Wetherald