As I reread my last entry, I ask myself, how could I be happy under these circumstances? What do I even mean by the word "happy"? I realize I mean something different by it than I might have in the past. Happy right now means: my body is relaxed, my mind is quiet, my heart and stomach are not in pain. I am momentarily at peace. I think this is my mind's way of giving me a reprieve from the intense work of grief. It is a survival mechanism. It is also a glimpse of what it means to heal. I need these experiences. Otherwise I question whether I will ever feel truly joyful again. But a day like today lets me know that it is possible, and it gives me the hope necessary to continue facing life as it comes. I will have moments of sadness, anger, fear. It is a surprise to me that I will also have moments of happiness. I accept this as a gift.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
What is Happiness?
As I reread my last entry, I ask myself, how could I be happy under these circumstances? What do I even mean by the word "happy"? I realize I mean something different by it than I might have in the past. Happy right now means: my body is relaxed, my mind is quiet, my heart and stomach are not in pain. I am momentarily at peace. I think this is my mind's way of giving me a reprieve from the intense work of grief. It is a survival mechanism. It is also a glimpse of what it means to heal. I need these experiences. Otherwise I question whether I will ever feel truly joyful again. But a day like today lets me know that it is possible, and it gives me the hope necessary to continue facing life as it comes. I will have moments of sadness, anger, fear. It is a surprise to me that I will also have moments of happiness. I accept this as a gift.
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4 comments:
Jessie-
I just got your email that's been sitting in my mailbox for weeks now. I have been crying really hard and sobbing out loud and repeating all the movements of grief I'm so familiar with from the past year and half or so? Where do I go from here? Im so sorry Im sorry, from the bottom of me like a sob from deep, from me, I want to hold you in my arms, mostly crying, I am crying with you tonight sister, It's good to hear you thoughts, coming out like they are its encouraging for me to read this, just thought you should know, I don't know what more to say, this has ripped open a whole new vat of feelings for me, that I so often indulge for a moment and then sweep away, it's so heavy. All at once and it breaks me all over again. If I really let things sink in. You know? Maybee that's how grief affects us, you can only take it in pieces. For me anyway, I'm beyond sorry for your loss, I KNOW your loss as much as possible, please know that I cry with you, words cannot convey. Love you.
Lena
Jessie your ability to express in words what you are feeling day to day is truly amazing. I just wanted to write to let you know that Kelley and I are thinking of you.
Jesse,
My prayers for you and your family.
Vikranth
What is happiness? For me, Happiness is having a little sister like you in our lives to teach us what love is all about! Hugs to you, go ahead feel them wrapping you up in safety, that is what they are for. Say hi to Levi, and give Michael a huge hug from me also!
geo
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