Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Story of Sage - Part I

I am feeling strongly that I want to share Sage's story . . . and my story of being a mother. The 9 months of my pregnancy, and the 9 months of Sage's life, brought me more joy and more growth than any other time in my life.

I wrote very little during my pregnancy and after. I wish now that I had written more. I do have a few journal entries and a few letters that I wrote to Sage. I think Sage's story really begins with my and Michael's decision to get married. We sent out the following letter for Thanksgiving of 2006. This letter is how we announced to everyone we knew that we were expecting a child.
To all our family and friends,

On Sunday, the 22nd of October, on a rocky peninsula extending into a high alpine lake in the Cascade Range, Michael and I exchanged rings in our own spontaneous ritual acknowledging the ongoing lifelong commitment we continue to share with one another. Having been enchanted by the reds and golds among the dwarf alpine flora alight by a brilliant late afternoon autumn sun, there could have been no better time or place for our wedding ceremony.

Several months ago we began discussing the idea of marrying on the fifth anniversary of our relationship in early December. We ordered our wedding bands from a jewelry designer in Santa Fe, New Mexico, but being so excited upon receiving them we began to wear them right away.

Our feeling was to have a ceremony between the two of us this winter and then share in a celebration with all of you next summer. Upon finding ourselves so moved there by the lake that day, we shared the realization that nothing we could plan in the future would have been any more profound than where we found ourselves in that moment. We then washed each others’ rings in the crystal clear water, said our simple spontaneous vows, and placed the rings on each others’ hands.

The day after our wedding, I awoke feeling a bit queasy. I felt strongly that I might be pregnant. That afternoon, on my lunch break, I jogged a few blocks to a clinic and asked for a pregnancy test. As the nurse was explaining how the test works, I was watching intently as two blue lines appeared before me - a positive result! I said, “Oh, my gosh! I’m really pregnant! I can’t believe I’m really pregnant!” I was so happy, I almost hugged the nurse.

I waited until that evening, after dinner, to tell Michael. Before I told him, I was lying on the bed, resting, and he walked in and gently laid his hands on my belly. I wondered if somehow he already knew. When I took both his hands and told him we are going to have a baby, he responded with the same joy and astonishment that I was feeling.

We are both truly delighted by the gift of this child. We are now beginning our 9th week, which means the baby is only about the size of a grape, but it already has a beating heart, and its spine and brain have begun to form! We have had one prenatal visit, and we will be getting our first ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

Michael and I send you warm wishes for Thanksgiving.
It is incredible to me how much has changed since we wrote this letter. As I reread it, though, I am struck by the two things that have stayed the same - my adoration of Sage, and my commitment to Michael. As is often the case, I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of what I have lost, but also the magnitude of what I have been given.


Anonymous said...

You don't know me but my mom works with you. I started reading your blog shortly after your loss, I too have a young son and I am single mom with many struggles. Reading each day what you have to say brings me strength and promise. You have no idea how you have begun to affect my life, someone you have never even met. I thank you, for your strength, hope and wisdom to make a difference in my life. Thank you.

Serinekat said...

I remember when you told me you were pregnant. You seemed so proud. I think I said 'Another one bites the dust'. You were my second friend to get knocked up that year. Looking back at our conversations over your pregnancy I can hear something in your voice. You hold tight to information about Sage - he's yours. It wasn't an ownership but like a special responsibility from God and you were so proud, so excited... you didn't want to let Him down. I heard the same excitement in Micheal's voice too. You both knew the value of the blessing you were getting and wanted to keep that preciousness as close to your hearts as possible.