Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Phoenix Again

Thank you to Janis, author of Ferdinand's Gifts
for posting this poem of renewal.

The Phoenix Again

On the ashes of this nest
Love wove with deathly fire
The phoenix takes its rest
Forgetting all desire.

After the flame, a pause,
After the pain, rebirth.
Obeying nature’s laws
The phoenix goes to earth.

You cannot call it old
You cannot call it young.
No phoenix can be told,
This is the end of the song.

It struggles now alone
Against death and self-doubt,
But underneath the bone
The wings are pushing out.

And one cold starry night
Whatever your belief
The phoenix will take flight
Over the seas of grief

To sing her thrilling song
To stars and waves and sky
For neither old nor young
The phoenix does not die.

- May Sarton

Janis, who lost her son Ferdinand to a full term stillbirth in July of 2007, recently gave birth to her daughter, Lyra Phoenix. I appreciate that Janis continued to write her blog during her pregnancy. Being pregnant after the loss of a child is a unique experience, one that I am finding does not easily translate into words at this point. As this child grows inside me, I mostly feel quiet and watchful... immensely grateful, and at the same time, so very vulnerable.

I remember during my pregnancy with Sage, I felt really bothered when people would feel compelled to tell me the worst pregnancy horror story they could think of. This happened several times, and I really just did not want to hear it.

It is different now. So many of the people I have contact with have lost a child, and their stories are part of me now. The fragility of life is always in my awareness. I am not trying to hide from that reality anymore, and I guess there is some freedom in that. But some days I really wish for the innocence of not knowing grief.


janis said...

Holding you in the light, Jess. I know how you feel. ((hugs))
Blessings and warmth to you.

Sara said...

I missed that innocence the second time around. I found my subsequent pregnancy very challenging, but hopeful too. I wish you well as you continue in this new phase of your journey.

D said...

I'm happy for you, Jessie. I haven't been on the computer too much recently, but I wanted to visit your blog tonight. I'm glad I did. =)

I wish your reality didn't include the loss of your precious baby. I wish so much that you were busy trying to prepare Sage for a new sibling. As always, I just wish things were different.

On another note, I saw a wood carving of a sea turtle the other day, and wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and Sage.

Wishing you a peaceful night, and pregnancy.